Self-acceptance and self-compassion: A fundamental stance
“Feeling compassion for ourselves… releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.”- Tara Brach
I was recently at a dinner party where the hostess was outwardly polite, but it was just a thin veneer over her resentment at hosting us. It was an uncomfortable night that triggered memories of tense childhood meals and feelings of rejection.
I pushed down my anxiety and was able to carry on with the socializing, but later at home I took the time to speak to myself kindly. “Oh honey, that must have been hard for you”, I said to myself. Automatically, I took a deep breath and got teary. It was such a relief to be real with myself and feel my true feelings.
Being compassionate towards myself did not always come easily to me. I used to have a reflexive habit of pushing through uncomfortable feelings, or judging myself harshly for having them. But over time, with awareness and gentle redirection, I have become generally kinder and more loving to myself.
When I show myself acceptance and self-compassion, I am amazed at the result. I sort of melt into self-love, like I am a puddle of understanding and acceptance for why I feel how I feel, and why I do what I do. It might sound like I become weak when I offer myself compassion, but ironically my puddle-y nature makes me more resilient, and more confident. It makes me stand strong in myself because it leads me to the realization that I am good enough just the way I am.
“ …be soft with yourself
your heart is
more marshmallow
than metal
your soul is wrapped
in the softest of fabrics
for a reason
the softer you become
the more you understand
how precious all life is…
become so soft
that nothing can
break you…”
~excerpt from You, the Unbreakable Water by john roedel
What is healing?
Healing is a term that is used widely, and often means different things to different people.
The word healing comes from Old English hǣlan (in the sense ‘restore to sound health’), and it is also related to the word whole (a thing that is complete in itself).
My current way of defining healing for myself is as a path to a sense of wholeness and knowing that I am good enough just as I am.
My healing has included changing negative, incorrect beliefs to truthful and beneficial beliefs, as well as coming to peace with difficult parts of my past, such as regrets and traumas. Through this inner work plus self-awareness and redirection, I have become more calm, empowered, focused, and joyful.
This deep inner work has taken courage, and has not always been fast or simple. But there are certain attitudes and practices (in addition to self-acceptance and self-compassion) that have made my journey easier.
Being loved and respected as a model for self-love/self-acceptance
“Healing is not becoming the best version of yourself. Healing is letting the worst version of yourself be loved.” - Kobe Campbell
When I was 20, I fell in love with my gentle, energetic boyfriend. He was so kind to me, and we had a lot of fun together, as well as engrossing intellectual conversations. On one level, I knew that he loved me, but deep down it was hard to believe that he actually could care for a flawed, anxious person like me.
Eventually, I understood how much he did love me and that he saw me in a positive light. It helped me to realize that I must be good enough, since someone who knew my challenges and imperfections still loved me.
The starry-eyed period of falling in love is often scoffed at, but in addition to feeling magical and being deeply enjoyable, it can help us on our journey of healing, whether the relationship lasts or not. Seeing that someone else loves us, and witnessing their kind and loving behavior towards us, can show us our worth and be a model for how we treat ourselves.
The Healing Jar
Of course, the model for treating ourselves well might not come from a romance. But we can look around our lives. Maybe we have a friend, family member, coach, teacher, or someone else who respects us and treats us well. Or on our own, we can become conscious of our positive qualities, or times we have shown ourselves or others kindness and compassion. All this can be evidence that we drop in our healing jar of how we are good enough just as we are.
Our healing jar can be a literal jar or a journal that we fill with notes about our inherent value, including specific examples that bear this out. In whatever way we do it, we can keep noticing the evidence and let our jars and journals fill up!
When I am down on myself, I re-read the notes and remember that although I am human and imperfect, I am good enough and whole, just as I am.
Can you think of at least one example that shows how you are valuable, lovable, and a good enough human?
These are just a few of the practices that can help us stay in the zone of self-kindness and self-respect. These attitudes strengthen us from the inside out, and increase our appreciation of the lovely and unique beings we are.
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